Self

As I have mentioned a couple of times before, having Leo has made me look at the type of role model I want to be, what I feel is important in life and how to have that as a norm for him. 

I am really happy with the side of me that is conscious about our impact on the world, but becoming a mother has really forced me to inspect me once more. I am my own harshest critic, pretty standard for many people: but I want to be happy with who I am, I am not currently. I have always felt I lack substance and clarity, that hasn’t really change which is frustrating as I have worked REALLY hard on that over the years. 

People aren’t naturally drawn to me which is incredibly disabling. I know I can be pretty outspoken, but I know loads of people who are and still have plenty of friends. I really struggle with striking up decent conversations with people because I am so cripplingly aware that I put myself across really badly, at the same time, I hate fake niceties! Bit of a catch 22 really. I want to overcome that barrier, I just don’t really know where to start because I hate exposing myself to rejection. 

It’s a strange place to be, I don’t know why I am here and it’s a strange concept to wish you had more friends, but at the same time not having the time or inclination to spend time with anyone but my family. I’m not sure what my issue is! I just don’t like being disliked, I probably wouldn’t mind if I felt I was achieving something in my life. 

What I do know is that I don’t want Leo to grown up having to battle demons! 

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Get your Hygge on! 

I absolutely love warm lights, being cosy,  snuggling under blankets, locking out the world and chilling out. Our wedding had a dedicated are just for a cosy little section of the garden with twinkling fairy lights and it just makes my heart happy. Turns out that this what the Danes refer to a Hygge. 

It’s a way of life, being present and absorbed by your friends and family in a cosy, comfy environment. No harsh light or electrical glare to disrupt your zen (can I mix those two things?!) 

I am in the process of doing all I can to to purify our indoor space with plants. I think full, layered greenery adds a wonderful, cosy touch to a space but I am just basically crap at looking after them. However, I feel with all my spare time *sides split* that I can embrace this!

I want to sort the lighting out in the house anyway. I hate glare and I also hate shadow when I am trying to cook or eat. Problem solved by none direct, none fluorescent lights. Hygge is very much a candle fest too. I am not a candle person, they release way too many particles into the air in conveniently sized to upset the lungs! I also read that the tiny, floating wax particles can be classed as toxic, especially in those of scented candles.. I will have to find that article again and share. 

There is a way around it though, fake candles! I just need to work out how to get these and well  placed lamps to work in our space. I have tonnes of ideas, I just don’t like forking out a fortune for them! I wish I had a bit more DIY talent, that may assist in the whole process. But then again, DIY requires time! 

Watch this space anyway, it will be achieved! 

The blight of our life 

I don’t think anyone can comprehend the stress a coughing child inflicts, not only on them but on the parents. Leo has yet another cold, and whilst the cough isn’t croupy (yet) he is coughing throughout every sleep. THIS is what sends me under. 

Not only is his little body struggling with something, he can’t sleep properly either. It’s just so detrimental to him in every way, and I am utterly powerless. I try token gestures to at least feel like I am trying to take control, but I’m not convinced they do anything. Viks rub all over the show, cold mist humidifier, menthol spray, atomiser.. It makes me fume, unproductively of course but I just can’t deal with the disruption it brings into our lives. 

I’ve been researching the best climates to. Live in, the places with the least pollution etc because I would willingly move to the other side of the world if it would help him. It’s shit, I hate it and I can feel the anxiety grab my chest every time I hear his poor little body cough. Damn, if I could beat the shit out of a cough I would do it, gladly 

Stop for a moment 

Not for one single second am I suggesting that I am a perfect parent, far from it. I am inexperienced, I have never spent a moment considering children before I had my own and I’m pretty sure there is no such thing as a perfect parent due to the fact that a child has personal will. However, I like to think I put the effort in to understand what my role entails. 

I am all about positive attachment parenting, I see no scientific or anecdotal evidence that makes me want to do it any other way. Whilst I don’t think the approach is very natural to me, Tom disagrees but then I guess he only sees the outcome of my hours and hours of reading and pondering; running scenarios through in my head and analysing real life events. 

One thing I have noticed is just how ignorant people are to the lasting effects of their unconsidered behaviour on their wonderful little people. I’m not saying that they treat them badly, or that they do what they do from a place of cruelty: they do it from a place of ignorance but it shocks me none the less. 

I was talking to a lady the other day and she was saying how when she has told her 5 year old son off, he comes to her to say he loves her and tries to cuddle her and she tells him ‘no, you’ve been naughty and mummy does like you right now’ SERIOUSLY??? it hurts my heart. I’m just going to leave that right there. 

This same lady was discussing how babies have nothing to offer, how the first few months are just dull and it’s just them being incapable blobs. How utterly, utterly shameful. So little  respect for their individual little lives, but it really should be of no surprise to me as I have plenty of interaction with this lady and my opinion is cast aside and I am walked over for personal gain, it’s just a shame. She’s happy with how she is though and what entails a good person is a personal opinion at the end of the day. 

I am under no illusion that our little pickle is super chilled, whether that be because of our respectful approach to him or just him, I guess we will never know. He has been getting much more possessive about things recently. The little scooter above has caused some frustration for him when I want to move him onto something else. As with everything, I resist the urge to put parental need and adult opinions over how he feels about it, and I am really pleased that I have made the choice to do it like that from day one: he always responds positively, even if he gets upset when I have to calmly apply my boundaries. The upset is short lived, I am there for him and allow him to feel it and it makes me feel connected. 

It’s strange that upsetting my child makes me feel more connected, but it’s easy to feel connected when you’re laughing and happy: it’s about being there to support the big emotions, no matter what they look like. Showing him my love is unconditional and it’s OK to feel like that. 

This journey just gets more intense and rewarding as each day goes by.