And it begins again

I spent years reviewing myself, my behaviour, my interactions etc in an attempt to become what I classed as a better person and I thought I was doing a great job. After taking a year out of the working world, I now see that everything I did was to eradicate my entire person from view as I see myself as utterly flawed.

This has basically got me nowhere and I haven’t been true to myself. I read something the other day about being charismatic, and one of the most charismatic things about a person is when they are true to themselves and confident and happy with it. I realised on reading this, all of the people that are drawn to me and respect me are the people that I am myself with. The people that let me be me, they might be few and far between, but does that really matter? The people that I have worked so hard to impress and change for, are no nearer respecting me than they were before and I am just left feeling like I have failed myself in the process.

I’d rather be disliked for being myself than being equally disliked for being something I am not, it’s just not worth the effort.

I want Leo to grow up loving who he is, knowing it’s OK to have a difference in opinion or do things differently, it doesn’t have to be a failure on your part. If you are confident in you, then it’s just one of those things and if you end up being surrounded by haters then it’s just not the place for you. I don’t want him to be a prisoner in his own insecurities, it’s an utterly abhorrent place to be and no one should be there.

I thought I had come a long way on my journey over the past 20 years, it has only just begun and it has taken me having a child to see that. It’s a long road ahead, I have a lot of internal struggles to face and I’m tired and constantly ill right now, so it seems even harder, especially when I thought the hardest part was done. But I have the most wonderfully supportive husband and an amazing child who makes my heart melt daily; so I’m starting from a good place.

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