That part is done

Our breastfeeding journey has come to an end. I have loved every single second of it, the intimacy, the ease and the empowerment of it.

I have been gradually feeding less and less in prep for going back to work. I simply don’t have the dedication to carry on expressing whilst I’m rushing around at work and then just binning it because Leo doesn’t like my expressed milk. I couldn’t not express because of my blocked ducts so it’s basically a no brainer.

I thought I would miss it, but I don’t. I fed for as long as I had intended and now we are done. Just another milestone met, we followed each others lead as we have with everything and it’s just worked. I’m a bit sore, but that’ll be done with soon enough.

I can’t wait

I’m craving my return to the gym. I feel so gross and sadly, ashamed of how much I’ve let myself go when I worked so hard to know gain excess weight throughout my entire pregnancy. One of the things I loved about losing all the weight originally was not having a million changes of clothing before I found something that hid my fat as best as it could.. I’m back there and it saddens me, I’ve let myself down.

I’m also worried about turning up to the gym in kit that exposes my flabby bits, but I need to remember why I’m there and that no one else matters. I have a version of myself to aspire to, so my target is realistic, but I also want to go beyond where I was and focus on targeting my problem areas. The first order of the day is fixing my most broken bits!

We are out!

Unless you live on a different planet, you will have at least some awareness of the EU referendum that has just run in the UK. I was surprised that the majority went with out to say the least, I thought we were more a nation terrified of change than anything else. Sadly, I was wrong.

I say sadly, because what it has highlighted is that the majority of people voting out suffer from a severe cases of xenophobia. There are plenty of people that have voted out that do not suffer this affliction, that I am sure of, but for my current thought it is the worst case of voters that have shocked me.

I for one voted out. I spent hours trawling through arguments for and against, I struggled to see fact and useful information in any camp.

The marketing was scare mongering for votes at its finest, so I suppose I shouldn’t have been shocked by the outcome really. Riling the masses is incredibly easy when there is a big, obvious button to press.

In the end, I felt that as a country, we are strong and capable, and having power back in our hands would benefit all of our futures. Trade won’t stop, agreements will be struck to keep everything flowing, we are too useful a country to not be traded with. I do however feel that I voted without full disclosure, something that made me uncomfortable at the time and in hindsight I wish I hadn’t voted at all, as it was touch and go for me. I know that seems ignorant, but is it right to vote for something you are unsure of when it’s such a huge thing?

The future is unknown; rightly or wrongly I am now choosing to focus on facts that come through as and when they do, deal with situations that arise and stay positive.

All views written in the post are my own and in no way do they reflect the stance of my employer.

Dark times

I try not to let negativity creep in ever, but it’s unrealistic. I haven’t had an uninterrupted nights sleep since Leo was born and it has been verging on unbearable since February. To add to the sleep deprivation, I know have chronic back pain. Every single thing I do, every single day involves pain. It then comes to the evening and I become anxious as I know that a broken night of Leo coughing or me coughing and fighting constantly because of the pain, lies ahead.

I feel bitterness creeping in that the doctors don’t take it more seriously, that I am going to be going back to work in a state not fit for anything and there is nothing I can do but struggle onwards. I’m so sick of not being comfortable, I’m so sick of dreading picking up my beautiful boy for a cuddle, I and I am so utterly sick of coughs waking me up that it makes me never want to sleep. There is absolutely zero enjoyment in a sleep for me now, I’m just constantly on edge, waiting.

Give me back my nights of feeding every 3 hours, at least they were restful and enjoyable with brief movements of intimacy to be cherished instead of hot and uncomfortable times of discomfort and frustration. It’s shit right now, I’m not going to lie and I’m on the precipice of having my whole world turned upside down once again. Enough already

Cupcakes!

It was cupcake day on Thursday, in aid of The Altzheimers society. I have been furiously making cakes and buttercream whenever I had chance whilst Leo sleeps, or whilst he’s managed to entertain himself by emptying out ALL the kitchen cupboards.

Baking isn’t something I’ve ever spent much time on and I have never made cupcakes, so I’m pretty impressed with what I achieved today. I got them all decorated this morning too, not up to a particularly high standard but good enough. I perfected the cake mix and the buttercream over time and the last batch definitely stood out as the most impressive. I even surprised myself and went off piste, freestyle on the last lot. I am unlike me! The finest ones being lemon and ginger, beautiful.

Anyway, it was a fairly quiet affair and we still raised £130 with a few more donations pending. I’m really glad I did it, the quitter/perfectionist in me would’ve not bothered in the past but I am trying to make myself into an inspirational role model for my son. Proud of myself.

Will it actually stop?

For the first time since February, I actually had that awful thought that this back pain could be something really bad. Every time I think I’m on the road to recovery, it comes back tenfold.

I’ve been hesitant to go to the doctors because, in past experiences, they’re pretty useless and the referrals take forever. I think I may need to bite the bullet and go.

Whilst I am convinced that this will resolve itself when I go back to work and start getting back in shape, that little voice of doubt popped up today. I’ve been here before and it was a two year battle to be pain free, and I didn’t have a little boy and full time job then.

I’ve had a tough weekend though, so I’m hoping it’s just that playing on me. My back is suddenly so sore again, it’s like someone stabbing me in the pelvis when I cough. I genuinely can’t remember the last time I was comfortable when sitting, standing, lying, breathing!

Chin up though hey, hubby has returned and I’ve just inhaled olbas and had a nice hot bath.

Poorly everyone!

This weekend has been a toughy. I started to lose my voice on Thursday, I felt OK, just croaky.

Friday the feeling rough kicked in and I was looking down the barrel of a very long weekend as Tom was going away on a stag do and Leo is still coughing like a trooper. In true amazing Tom style, he did offer to stay home, but it is his best friend Reuben’s stag do and he is also the wonderful person who did our wedding ceremony for us so holds a special place in our hearts.

There was a chance Leo would happily sleep, but that was just a pipe dream. To make it worse, when Leo was snoozing I couldn’t get to sleep for coughing. I’ve managed scraps of sleep over the weekend, basically the worst thing possible when you feel shitty anyway. Mum took Leo for me yesterday afternoon so I could sleep, I managed an hour before coughing up a lung. Better than nothing though.

Leo decided 3.30 was the best time to get up today, so here we are.

Spotty, happy and coughing like a trooper

Unfortunately, getting a picture of the spots with my camera phone is basically impossible. They’re all over the place and look like tiny little freckles. He’s still pretty happy in himself but is coughing every time we even threaten to put him down to sleep.

The shift rota is on going, this morning when Tom handed over at 3am, Leo thought he better get up. I spent about 20 mins ignoring him and just rocking, he chilled out merrily but just kept slapping me in the face! I gave up in the end and got up with him, he was ready for a snack and snooze 20 mins later so he was back sleeping and about 4.15 and coughed his way through to 7!

It’s insanely tough looking after a poorly child, even one as easy as Leo. Add to it the fact that he has been poorly pretty much constantly since February and it becomes even harder. My main concern is him obviously, but a close second is our mental as physical wellbeing as parents because this is crucial to being good parents! It’s a good job we work so well as a team, it makes the long broken nights bearable. That and the fact we get endless baby cuddles!

We had some progress tonight, Leo made it to 11.30 without coughing, so at least we managed a couple of unbroken hours. I’m now starting with a sore chest and cough, just what I need when Tom is away all weekend on a stag do so no helpful shifts!

We’ve upgraded

This hand is far too small for this!

We are in hospital this morning! After a very restless night, I noticed Leo’s rash was much worse on face and neck and wasn’t blanching. I decided not to mess about and took him straight to accident and emergency.

They aren’t overly concerned about anything above nipple height as this can be attributed to coughing or vomiting, but on further inspection we found some on his legs and groin that wouldn’t blanch either. We are currently waiting for the results of his heel prick test to come through, if nothing abnormal on that then he can go and just monitor closely. If the results are abnormal, then he has to have an IV blood test done and further tests done to rule out meningitis and septicaemia.

He’s fairly bright in himself, has just wolfed down a bowl full of weetabix and is now snoozing on a massive hospital bed, so we have every hope pinned on him seeming well other than this and his cough. I’m choosing to not even entertain a thought other than this

We’re becoming regulars!

I think we need our own permanent slot at the docs! Leo had a rash come up yesterday and I was tonnes worse this morning. Tiny little pin pricks all over his torso, legs, feet and bottom. So small in fact, that I can’t get a decent picture on my phone.

I decided I was too bothered by it to leave it so made an emergency appointment. Post viral kind of thing they reckon, but his right ear drum is a bit dark as well as this phlegmy cough, so just got to see how he goes. He’s great in himself, the cough wakes us up through the night, but we’ve worked out a pretty good team plan that deals with that and allows us to get just about enough rest to survive!

I’m at the docs next week for a follow up on the blood test I have had for my hand pains. I’m pretty sure it’s arthritis, you can see the knuckle joint is getting really big. I’m not sure if they can do anything to slow down the progression. I sincerely hope so, or I’m going to be screwed by the time I’m 50!