Panic

I was listening to a podcast today that I find fascinating, as it’s just two guys that kinda know each other getting to know one another better.

Each episode is around 2 to 2.5 hours long and is entirely composed of them chatting or explaining parts of their life. They explore anything that interests them and just talk.

The episode today touched on how they don’t like travelling. One gets majorly travel sick, whilst the other has fairly major disaster panic. The second got me really freaked out. I’ve spent half the afternoon worrying about what would happen if I died and left Sarah and Leo to fend for themselves.

Oddly enough it wasn’t a happy time. I feel sick from the thought of just not being there, even without considering what it’d be like from their point of view. As Sarah regularly thinks along these lines, she’s fairly well versed in thinking it through and working on plans, so tonight we’ll go over what I need to learn and work on to avoid feeling this panicked again.

Getting on the bike immediately after work really had me worried and I had to concentrate a lot on avoiding traffic and taking the safest routes.

Well that’s a turn up for the books anyway.

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Every now and again..

.. everything gets to you, but that’s OK, it’s allowed. You just have to make an effort to acknowledge it and fix it if you can, without it negatively impacting those around you.

Today, everything is frustrating me. I have sold my saddles on eBay and have been let down by every service I have relied on to get them posted in time, I now look like I’m giving a bad service and that really, really winds me up.

I feel ill, I’ve been fighting it since Saturday and it’s really fighting me. I was meant to be working today so mum has Leo and I was going to rest instead. However, I’m so wound up by the shitty services I have had to deal with that I’m not sleeping!

My right boob is being a t*&t again, I’ve been struggling to fend it off since Friday and overnight last night it decided it wasn’t happy again, I tried expressing but got naff all, so had to wake my lovely slumbering little man to sort it out instead.

I’m sick of my back aching and sick of not being able to sleep in any other position other than on my back but my bloody temperamental tataa’s mean I can do nothing about it. I refuse to give up breastfeeding though, Leo has amazing digestion with no difficulties and I will not compromise him just to save me a few months of discomfort!

But, it’s OK because I’m only human and it’s unrealistic to pretend you can be upbeat all the time. I have a beautiful son, a husband who loves me dearly and an amazing support network to help me through.

Progress is definitely being made

Jumperoo!

The car was booked in for a service today in Warrington. Although this isn’t far away, the potential for bad traffic is really high and getting stuck on the motorways is a pretty common occurrence around there!

As you can imagine, the thought of doing a journey of this sort with a baby that hates the car is quite daunting. Whilst he has improved dramatically over the last couple of weeks, it’s still a worry. I timed the journey out with his first morning nap and the journey home, I requested the car be done for his afternoon nap.

This went astray as my sister who gave me a lift got involved in something that delayed us. When he was first back in the car he had managed a half an hour 14:00 nap so it was a bit close to this when I got to leaving the garage. He wasn’t wildly impressed with the stop start traffic but just grizzled a little bit and didn’t cry. We got to the motorway and I thought he was sleeping, but he wasn’t and then I hit standstill traffic, 2 miles from my exit!

Anxiety then kicks in, expecting a meltdown, but squeaky monkey to the rescue and a quickly cleared backlog and we were off within ten minutes and he then nodded off. I’m now sat in the car at home whilst he snoozes as he needs a longer nap

My saviour!

Daddy’s In Charge

So Friday was the first day of me looking after Leo all by myself. I was a little worried about him travelling in the car after the last time I drove but other than that I was really looking forward to a whole day with my little man.

Sarah left me plans for the day, enough food to feed many hundreds of small people and lots of love. I took Sam and Leo out for a walk early on and it started terribly with Leo really upset but once he’d fallen asleep all was good.

This gave me a lot more confidence for the next mission, swimming! We had a lesson booked in Wilmslow and were intending to meet James and Benjamin there. I put Leo in the car and he immediately fell asleep and stayed asleep for the whole journey. Winner.

Once there, we had lots of time to feed, play in the car and have a little snooze. Changing him into his swimming kit went well, lots of breaks for cuddles and he was all sorted. The lesson was great, Leo seemed mostly happy or tolerant at least, and I loved seeing how he’d progressed since the last lesson I saw with him. I didn’t like seeing him after being dunked as he was definitely on the edge at that point but he basically just braved it all the way through.

Lunch with the others was great, Leo and Benjamin sleeping through the whole lot whilst James and I caught up.

Onto the next journey and Leo slept and played happily in his chair all the way home. If I hadn’t experienced it myself I would have enjoyed started to think mummy had been making things up.

So all the possible stress points for the day were out the way, leaving just a gigantic poop and Aunty Holly visiting which all went well.

I loved it. Seems like forever ago already now, but I can’t wait for another adventure with my buddy now. Although maybe we’ll let mummy join us. 

Clock change crankies

Who’d have thought adjusting bedtime by an hour would be such hard work! We’ve managed half an hour so far and then I have to persuade him that 5am is a rubbish time to get up!

He’s doing some great head supporting now and is almost happy on his tummy! We weighed in yesterday at 15lb 14oz, which is a slight sneak upwards on the percentile but apparently that’s OK still. It’s unsurprising though, he never stops eating!

Meet the child minder

All his socialising tired him out

Before Leo was born, we made the decision to find a childminder for my return to work and we found a fantastic lady who lives ten minutes away from my work.

Leo and I went to meet her yesterday and she thought he was fantastic and he was full of smiles for her too. I love how she is with children, she really seems to give them space to be themselves and takes their lead in a lot of things, this really fits with the parenting style that I want to follow.

She makes home cooked meals for them every day and they go out to do activities in a morning too. She will speak to them in Hindi if you so wish, which I do as I believe taking in languages at a young age is really important.

Leo was an angel in the car, I timed the journey out with a nap and then we went to see my work colleagues after meeting Leo’s child minder. He was awake for this journey and was even laughing at one point! The journey home was nap time number two but getting out from my work there are a lot of traffic lights, so very stop/start, which would’ve enraged him a few weeks ago but he just chilled out and nodded off at some point. Happy mummy!

Daddy day, spinning and developmental moments

Tom did a super amazing job with Leo yesterday, I came back to a wonderfully happy and serene pair of boys and they both seemed to have had a cracking day! I won’t go into too much detail as I’m sure Tom will write about it if he hasn’t already. I’m incredibly proud of Tom, I’ve had weeks to get to be doing what he did yesterday and he just got on and did it.

Leo is really paying attention to his hands now and reaching out for things. He’s not very grabby, but he’s definitely investigating. He has rolled from tummy to back a few more times and he can really hold his head up during tummy time. He also did some dragging himself to the side a bit with his arm, I suspect he will be just like his dad and drag rather than crawl!

I can use his arms now to bring him into a sitting position and he supports his own head, both on the way up and back down again. He is nowhere near sitting though, he just topples onto his face poor lad!

I used to spin about 3 times a week a couple of years ago, I absolutely love it but then got out of the habit when I changed my shift to an 8am start at work.
I haven’t done any cardio for about 6 month’s, other than pram fit last week so this was pretty tough. I did notice that my breathing was considerably better than it used to be and I think it is down to all the hypnobirthing breathing I was doing in the later stages of my pregnancy as I have always struggled with my breath.

I have no doubt in my mind I am going to be in agony over the next couple of days but I was impressed that my core wasn’t totally shot. I do put this down to all the hard work I have done on my core over the last few years though. As much as I have done nothing for some time, I can tell it is won’t take long to get it back and I have really, really missed my workouts

I didn’t expect that!

Being back in the thick of it with work has made me miss it! I love the pace and the passion!

Don’t get me wrong, I miss my little pud but I thrive of mental challenges; it’s addictive!

I feel like I’m betraying my little lion man just thinking it!!

We’re funny things

Can’t sleep!

Sleeping
Sleeping…
More sleeping
A little bit more..
Just give me a second…

Obviously I’m talking about Leo! I woke up to feed and can’t get back to sleep. I am too busy thinking about everything I need to make sure I do in the morning before heading out to work.

Tom has Leo and I want his day to go as smoothly as possible, so I am trying to plan for all eventualities! He is taking him swimming, so I have packed the bag for him and left him Leo nest making instructions!

Leo hasn’t pooped today (or yesterday now) and he had his second round of vaccinations, including rota virus, which could make for a few poonami moments tomorrow! I realised that I haven’t repacked the nappy bag since coming in, so at 3am I was out at the car sorting that out.

Tom is also giving my dad a lift to work in his car (that we are currently using) so I have just given that a quick spruce up inside to avoid a telling off!

Little monster

As it is coming up to Halloween, all the classes this week are themed. This was Leo’s outfit for the day, Mike from monsters Inc. There is a hat that goes with it but Leo’s head is a touch too big! He was a hit with everyone!

His jabs this time where nowhere near as bad as last time. There were still tears, but not the same level of screaming as last time, which was great. He did almost choke on the rota virus drops though, poor little baby

Booby update

The doctor has referred me to the breast specialist unit in Wythenshawe hospital to be checked out, it’s where I used to go for the scans we had for the BRCA1 study. It can take up to 3 hours so mum will look after Leo.

It has been a lot better through the day today, with barely any noticeable lumps so hopefully it will be something and nothing! The appointment is in a couple of weeks so hopefully I can keep managing it until then.

I am away from home from 8 until 5 tomorrow which means I am going to have to rely on the pump all day which I’m not looking forward to. It is a thing for work and they do know I am struggling so I will have to come home if I can feel it flaring up again! Oh the joys