Something about the darkness

It brings a sort of darkness in my mood with it. It’s frustrating for me, he is such a good baby but I still get this feeling of dread as the night draws in.. Maybe tonight he will turn into a nightmare child, maybe tonight I will have a screaming ball of inconsolable neediness and I won’t know how to fix it.

I’m getting good chunks of sleep, yet I don’t feel rested.. Every second of sleep feels snatched and is only a semi sleep. There is no blissful drifting off, I have to actively force sleep on myself and the longer that sleep eludes me, the more tense I get as I know the chance of him waking draw ever nearer. Once in the sleep, the slightest noise rouses you and with it a sense of panic as you wonder if your baby is OK.

Going and doing things in the day also brings anxiety with it. Have I got everything, will he have a meltdown when we are out, if so, do I have everything I need? Have I put him in the car seat properly? Is he OK? What if I get stuck in traffic?

There is literally no let up and it is a constant battle to not convey that tension through to Leo as that can only be a bad thing. Lots of deep breathing and relaxation techniques and plenty of talking to Tom.. And cuddles.

I have it easy and it just feels endless, I dread to think how those with a problem baby cope. I couldn’t even manage my tea tonight and it was the first time we have been in the kitchen together and left Leo with the baby monitor.

I know it will get easier

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